First, focus on the other person…open your posture, look them in the eyes, give them encouraging nods and acknowledging words. Second, summarize what they are saying. You might say something like, "So, what I hear you saying is such and such." Third, ask open-ended questions. Not questions that solicit just a yes or no answer. And don't use the word "why"... "why can't you…" "why didn't you…" "why aren't you…." Why…can seem accusatory. Instead, begin with words "what," "when," "where," "how." Especially ask about their feelings…"how did that make you feel?" If you need a little push getting the conversational ball rolling, we've made it easier with our Marriage Conversation Starters